There is such concern for my welfare. "How you do'n?" I am asked. Not so much in person but by text, email, cell, instant message, and voice mail. It is astonishing the number of ways we have to talk to each other now. And I tell them in my normal Okiespeak "Do'n fine."
I don't really feel a sense of loss. I know most people think I do and when I tell them I don't, then they think I'm in denial. It is possible because I am pretty good at self-deception. I think not though.
My dad's been gone awhile. Part of him was here but more and more of him disappeared over time. So last evening was more like the last few lines in a long novel than a book or a chapter or even a paragraph. I've been grieving losing him a long time. In a way I suppose I've been grieving him for most of the nearly nine years I've been here.
That's a lot of grieving I think. I know others who have grieved longer for infinitely greater losses. So I think I have it in some perspective. I know my situation is really pretty good compared to most.
I'm very grateful for that, too. That's one thing that's changed about me in nine years. I am a whole lot more grateful.
I thought I would be upset about the loss of the work itself, that is the work of caregiving. I am surprised that I am not. I think it is like the time I was in the army or maybe even the time of my divorce. I can look back now and see that good has come from those things. But I don't want to do any of it again. I will, of course, if I am needed and if that were to happen I would be enthusiastic and happy about it. I am not the best at it but neither am I the worst. Regardless though I really don't feel the sense of loss of the work that I expected.
Everything is done for now. My brother and sister-in-law handled all the arrangements. Most everyone that should already know now. The equipment is gone. I'm blogging from the porch.
I'm heading for Judy's right after I finish this entry.
A cousin just called and wanted to know where she could bring the food she had prepared. I thanked her profusely but told her if she brought it here there wouldn't be anyone to eat it. She's calling my brother. We had a nice visit.
Here's part of an email I received today from a friend:
Is there anything I can do to help you or your family in any way? I would love to assist if you have a need. I am at work now, but will be at home later and you can phone me the remainder of the weekend or at work again on Monday. I will not bother you unless you let me know, but will come at a moment's notice for anything.What in the world do you do in the face of such selfless love? Thank you Lord.
Do'n Fine.
8 comments:
I'm fine too and most people just don't get it. The day that Helen died, the nurse said something to the effect that I needed to grieve. I told her that I had been grieving for 6 years and that day was the end of it. I'm glad you are do'n fine Terry.
I can certainly understand this. After so many years of watching them die before your very eyes, it makes sense to me. Glad you are do'n fine.
i'm looking forward to reading the rest of your blog. hopefully you will continue to share the ups and downs of your *new life* with that inimitable prose.
later this evening i will likely try to compose an entry i've been reluctant to talk about on my blog out of fear it would seem insensitive to your situation, but this post of yours somehow says, "it's ok."
with love,
rick
p.s. still...beware of the self-deception thing. it can even sneak up on you, you know.
as you implied so eloquently: while allowing yourself to grieve as needed, don't hold back enjoying your new-found freedom.
(sounds sorta arrogant rereading that, but i didn't mean it that way.)
Glad you're do'n fine.
The richness of the words you choose makes one feel as though they were in your skin and can feel what you feel. Though, no one ever could, not totally. Thank you for sharing an experience that while universal is also individual.
May you keep do'n fine and experience contentment in finding a new routine to your days.
...signed a fellow Terry
You remind me of my dad. He is learning to live too now since Mom died. Looking at the possiblities in life. It's like being reborn again.
One thing AD does afford most of us. A time to say goodbye and to greive. Sometimes too much time but it gave me time to deal with the impending loss. It still hurts like hell but I shared some awesome stuff with Mom during the final weeks of her life. Things I wouldn't trade for the world. I think God knew I couldn't take a sudden death and in His graciousness, he allowed me the time to come to my senses about it.
I hope you continue to do fine and continue to post on your blog. I enjoy reading about your thoughts and I get a kick out of your wit.
Take care Flinty
i too am glad you're do'n fine. i feel much the same way.
I am glad your ok my friend. Did you really imagine this would be the way it would feel? Anyways your friends and family they do really love you. Take them up on there offer. Let them be around. If not because you need them then just because you love them. Take care my friend.
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