Difficult Day

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I suppose it was the coincidence of mom's birthday and the third week of dad's death. Or perhaps it is just the time that has elapsed now. Or maybe it is something else I have not considered.

I did not want to exercise and I did not want to work. I could not concentrate and I could not focus. I felt alone and isolated. I was silent more or less. If anyone had described me, and they did not because I am expert in hiding, they would have called me moody and depressed.

My brother said we were orphans now. It is true of course although usually an orphan is a child. But there is also something unsettling and isolating about losing both parents to death even as an old man. Having parents a long time does not seem to compensate for their absence.

Then I've apparently moved into the role of patriarch of our little tribe. The steward role is more comfortable but maybe only because of familiarity. Still the transition is neither automatic nor simple. Strange that it is easier to do what dad would want than to figure out what I want. And the doing is still a problem regardless which is chosen.

Full time husband is different than part time husband. Another transition but with at least as much joy as adjustment. Today is my first Saturday to spend the entire day here except for one quick trip this morning.

The business is complex and difficult. I think the easy part may well be behind us. I wonder if it will be as rewarding when the struggle is more intense.

Today upon my return I stopped by the cemetery as I never made it there yesterday. I stood there amidst those I love. I wondered as I wrote that whether I should use the past tense. But I love them now. That's the problem really. Love is continuing from past to future. That's why the missing them is so intense when they first are gone. The missing feeling diminishes with time. I know that from experience. The love does not though. It remains but I think becomes stronger or at least more mature or more something.

The worst feeling though I am dealing with right now is guilt. Intellectually I know it is unwarranted. Spiritually I know it is unfounded. Emotionally though it is present. It is stronger now than it has been. I don't know why. It is not a new feeling of course as it was present during the entire period of caregiving.

Guilt is an actor in a little movie that runs in my mind. Each time I lost my patience and each time I made the wrong decision and each time I was unprepared and each time I ignored the obvious are all there. And in the little movie I fix one thing and the movie runs to the end and dad dies. And the next time it runs I fix another thing but he dies again. It does not make any difference what I fix or how patient I am or how prepared I am or now quickly I respond, the result is the same.

But this will not last too long. I've visited this place before. I suppose it is good that I know this place because the first time around it was a terrible visit and it lasted much too long.

I am not sad at all most of the time but this post must make it seem so. But that's not the case. I am quite happy in fact - which actually can be another source for the guilt to exploit.

But there are good days and bad days and that was true before and it will be true tomorrow.