Friday, August 24, 2007

Dream

My friend skygirl wrote a few words about her dream not long ago in her blog Counting Blessings.

Not dream as in dreams during sleep. But dream as in my dream house or my dream vacation or my dream job. Except in this case it is my dream life.

I am afraid to dream if I am totally and brutally honest with myself. Because it involves life after caregiving. And life after caregiving means dad has died.

It isn't that I am afraid of death, either my own or his. I have absolute faith in our afterlife. I know we will reunite. So it isn't death itself but rather the vacuum that occurs after the hustle and bustle is over. Its a big empty feeling. I guess it isn't even that feeling because that feeling is temporary, too. It is the transition. It is so sudden. It is like hitting a wall at 100. I know it is brief but I still don't like it.

Then there is the uncertainty of that time. Will I have something to do? What will it be? Will it be fulfilling? I feel so old but will I feel younger again? I am certainly not young anymore. I've written about this previously.

I want to be with my wife. I owe her. She married me in the midst of this. It is one thing to find pain as an in-law but quite another to knowingly embrace it.

I need a dream.

6 comments:

nancy said...

i really enjoyed your post. i too have thought and have even had a few discussions what i might do after my caregiving days are over as well.

but for now it seems i cannot think that far. it seems that i am frozen for now in my current life as i know it. maybe that is because it would take too much energy to think about it, and that is energy i found that i don't have.

Lori1955 said...

Oh yes, find a dream. I dream a lot. It is what keeps me afloat during those times when every day is just like the last one. It re-energizes me while living in this boredom. It frees my mind while staring at these four walls. Find your dream flinty, we all need one.

flintysooner said...

Frozen is a good word to use Nancy.

Lori I think you're right. Have you blogged about yours or is it too private?

It occurred to me while I was exercising that all I needed to do was to ask the Lord for one. So I'm going to do that.

Thanks - hope you have a good day.

~Betsy said...

I have dreams. I dream of spending quality time with my husband without having to rush home to give Mom her meds or an insulin shot or whatever.

There is a wine and food festival at a resort about 2 hours east of here this weekend. It's in the mountains of 7 springs. If you remember the plane that crashed on September 11th in PA, this resort is about 10 miles from the site.

Anyway, this festival looks so wonderful. There is foods from all over the world as well as fine wines. They offer package deals where you stay the weekend, enjoy the wine and food and listen to good live music. One night it is jazz and the other is bluegrass.

It sounds so simple, but this is one of my dreams. I've never been to this festival but the commercials on TV look so inviting. Being able to pick up and go to something like this is the sort of dream I have. I don't know if it will ever happen, but that's just the thing about a dream - it is a goal of sorts.

SKYGIRL said...

Hey Flinty~ Thanks for the 'links' to my Blog, how cool is that!

Dreams, yes, dreams, are an important subject. I think someone once said if you lose your dreams, you've lost it all. But I also know the importance of...acceptance.

It is like a 'tight-rope' walk between keeping your hopes & your dreams...alive...but also showing & having, just enough acceptance, of what is going on "NOW" so you are not terribly disappointed, every day of your life!

I may get it down, sometime, just before I die! LOL!

Katmir said...

you write so eloquently-- for a "logical" guy, you have more artist in you than you think!!

which leads me to say.... dreams-- (to me...) well, they're like french-kissing over the phone.