Thursday, September 20, 2007

Nothing to do

I was up several times last night to check dad. I walk in there and it is all the same and he is the same. He is asleep. And there is absolutely nothing for me to do except stand there and look at him.

He doesn't seem really comfortable but he is definitely asleep. At least his eyes are closed. I hate this oxygen concentrator. When its lighter out I'm going to remove it and turn the thing off.

I'm thinking about how I'm going to manage his care. How I'm going to feed him and what and when and how will I give him meds and which meds. The doctor will come but he will leave and it will be up to me just as always. I've done this before. And just what constitutes good end of life care in this situation? I have a book on palliative care I need to read again.

I wonder if this really is a permanent decline and if it signals the end of his days. I've wondered before these same things. But this is the first time for a catheter since the hospital.

I am surprised but not surprised I am surprised.

I'm going to get a shower before I go in there. In a way it almost makes no difference at all if I go in or not.

If it is dad's time then it is different from mom's death. Her time was filled with so much activity that it could not be accomplished. This is the opposite.

Thanks to all my friends who each are dealing with their own issues and my prayers for all of you.


nancy said...

my thoughts continue to be with you and your dad. there is no change in russ. i could relate to your post.

~Betsy said...

Please know you aren't alone, Flinty. You have all of us. I wish there was something I could do besides just leave comments on your blog. I will continue to pray for you and your dad.

Patricia said...

Dear Flinty, you and so many others touch my heart as you reach this stage of your journeys. My prayers for a peaceful end for your dear Dad and continued strength for you.

Chris said...

My prayers and thoughts are going to you today and always. Please take care of yourself and peace be with both you and your dad.

Lori1955 said...

My prayers are with you Flinty as are my tears.

arutherford said...

Continuing to pray for you, your Dad and family. This is such a bittersweet time. You are on Hallowed ground. God is breathing His spirit into you Flinty, giving you strength, courage, wisdom and comfort. We bow before the Almighty and ask Him to walk with you every moment of every day.
In His Love,

SKYGIRL said...

Auh Flinty...I can see you standing in the door way, looking, in, surprised about how little is required of you today.

You have been your Dad's 'humble servant' for years, now you can just be, his Son?

Talk to him, he need not respond. Tell him how much you Love him, tell him it is O.K. to go, and that you & his family will be, alright. Tell him little stories you remember most, about him, about your childhood, anything, at all.

You know they say that even when people are in a deep Coma, they can still hear us. I really believe that.

Spend some quality time with your Dad. you will not regret it.

I am so glad I made that, what seemed like a long walk, down the hall to say a second Good-Bye, a proper Good Bye, to my Mom.

Because if I never see her again, it will be alright. We had some really precious time together, and she was so very certain that I Loved her, and I was so very certain that she Loves me too.

~Betsy said...

Just checking in on you and dad, Flinty.

Dee said...

I just found your blog -- thank you for your words. My mom was just diagnosed w/ AD and reading what's ahead is both scary and sad. But thank you for sharing your journey. D