Sunday, September 30, 2007

Sat on the porch

Saturday Judy was out of town performing all day. I slept late, at least for me. I am still so tired. I told someone I felt like I was recovering from some really awful wound. I walked outside again. I didn't jog but just walked. I wanted to see things around here. It was 66 degrees and so very beautiful.

When I returned I read the paper and sat out on the porch a while. I thought how much like so many other Saturdays this was. Except that there is no dad to go upstairs and check. I have things to do. I still have my will I am supposed to have already reviewed. Hard to get really interested in a will.

I created a spreadsheet for the names and addresses of people who sent flowers to the funeral. While I was at it I added a sheet for the cards and another for the guest book. Used Google Apps so I could collaborate with my sister-in-law. Judy and my son both thought it was a splendidly geeky thing to do. Cards are still coming in and both I and my sis-in-law added to the list today so geeky or not it is pretty useful.

The funeral home called on dad's number and left word that the death certificates are in. My brother picked them up. I dropped by his place after buying my camera from Best Buy.

It is a Canon PowerShot SD870 IS. It is basically a point and shoot kind of digital camera. I thought about the SLR types but decided I would be better off with one that was smaller and simpler. It isn't really simpler by any objective standard of course.

The first thing I had to do was charge the battery. So that took a couple of hours which really isn't bad. I've taken a couple of photos with it but just playing and deleted them. The first digital I bought was back in 1995. This new one is a considerable leap forward.

This is one lonely, depressing house now. It was lonely before but this is worse. I had the security people out Thursday and they will come soon to install a better system. I want the house better secured before I begin staying all the time at Judy's. I also had the demolition company out for an estimate. It will be a while before I have to tear it down but I needed the estimated cost. It is going to be very hard on my entire family to tear it down but it has to be done. That's what men do: things that are hard and painful and have to be done anyway.

Soon my brother and I will begin to go through things in the house. There's quite a lot of stuff.

When I go to my bedroom I pass dad's door. I leave the door closed and one of the lights on in there. He liked the door closed and the light on. I left the door slightly ajar and still leave it that way. I always look over at the door as I pass it. There's no one in there.

I have to figure out what I am going to do at Judy's with my exercise equipment and desk and computer equipment and clothes and stuff. I think I'll lease one of those construction office deals and put it out back. I can do that quickly and buy some time until we figure out what we want to do more permanently.

Checked the place we were going on our trip and they are booked up nearly from now until the end of the year. So we're going to see Judy's daughter and family in Omaha.

Sunday I stayed at Judy's until 9:30 pm. I napped most of the afternoon. I carried some stuff around with me in my briefcase but never looked at any of it.

My cousin called and we visited a long while. Her mother and my dad were the same age about. They were the last ones and my aunt died in June. She had been nearly helpless for almost 2 years. I am glad dad was spared that. We talked more than an hour. At the funeral my other cousins talked about a cousins' reunion. I want to do that. We talked about grief and how long it had been that we had really been able to talk to our parents and how much we missed them and how glad we were that their suffering had stopped.

I need to find some kind of routine to get into. I have several things to do on Monday including a lawyer meeting.

Seems impossible it is October already, or nearly so.


cornbread hell said...

2 years. that's how long my most intense grief usually lasts. including my own father's death.

i hope those things and places you now call judy's will soon become yours together.

peace, my friend. be easy on yourself. these are tough times for you. give time its due.

~Betsy said...

It's amazing to me that you can still stay in the house. I admire that. When my dad died, the empty house was so painful to me. I had to be there, I had to empty its contents, but it was truly one of the most difficult things I have ever done.

Cornbread's estimate of 2 years gives me hope. I'm at the 22 month mark now.

Finding a new routine will be a challenge, but I think you have the right frame of mind.

SKYGIRL said...

Glad to hear you are 'soaking' it all in. Great decision on the camera, I approve! LOL! Where were you planning on going, that is so booked up? Must be New England, this time of year?

I didn't realize you were going to tear down that house? Are you & Judy going to build in it's place?

Anyway, you seem to be doing well, and I can understand if you are tired, that may take awhile to get over, but it will keep you from going at such a rocket's pace, as to not have time to grieve.

Everyone must grieve Flinty, even Nerdy guys.

{{{HUGS}}}} N.Mc.

Lori1955 said...

Oh Terry, you sound so lost right now. Lots of things to do but no energy to do them. It's just so hard to function. It's hard to understand that the world keeps going on. It would be nice if everything just stopped for awhile. I understand.

I too was wondering if you are going to build on the land.

Chris said...

You will fnd a routine soon. It's still early in and you just got finished with the funeral. Take the time to tie up the loose ends and things will settle into place. One of the best pieces of advice I have ever gotton amongst all of you was to be gentle with myself. And now I ask that of you. Give yourself time.....